What do all humans have in common?
We have all played the victim before. How many of us have blamed our little
sister or brother for breaking a family heirloom? I know I have. How many
of us have pointed the finger at our co-worker for screwing something up at
work? But, playing the victim is like eating bad food- it will only make you
feel worse in the long run.
Here’s the bottom line: people that believe they are victims tend to push
friends, family and coworkers away.
Let’s look at 14 signs that someone is playing the victim card and what they
need to do instead:
1. They don’t take responsibility
This is a classic sign of victim behavior. A victim has trouble accepting they
contributed to a problem and accepting responsibility for the circumstance
that they are in. Instead, they point the finger, or simply ignore their role in
perpetuating the problem. They are not overtly saying “I’m a victim”, but
instead indirectly sending the message that they’re a martyr.
What’s the remedy here? Every circumstance, situation, and event in their life
offers the victim an opportunity for growth. They may not be completely
responsible for what has occurred, but they can always ask if they contributed
somehow. Asking this question invites a person to be responsible, mature and
cooperative. Plus, it will help them avoid similar situations in the future.
2. They are frozen in their life
Victims believe that they are at the mercy of everyone and everything around
them. Usually, a victim will not make progress or advance in their life because
they perceive that they are powerless. As a result, their life is stagnant. If you
were to ask them why, they would respond by giving you a laundry list of
reasons why they are stuck. The real sticking point here is that the victim will not usually tell you
what they plan to do about their lack of progress in life.
What’s the remedy here? The victim needs to see that small behaviors or
changes in their attitude can reap big rewards. Try to help the victim make a
list of small, achievable steps they can take towards a goal in their life. Hold
them accountable and ask them to hold themselves accountable too.
3. They hold onto grudges
The victim likes to hang onto old grievances. They carry these around like
weapons, just in case anyone ever tries to hold them accountable for something.
A victim will bring up old memories and events in which they were probably
legitimately hurt, but they use them as reasons why they can’t make changes
to their attitude, their life, or their circumstances in the present. These hurts
and grudges underpin the victim’s hobbled life. .
What’s the remedy here? This one is pretty simple. Let those grudges go!
The victim needs to see that keeping grudges is only holding them down, and
not doing anything to help anyone else either- although the victim may not
believe this. The victim needs to recognize that freeing others of blame is
actually returning all power and self-control back to the victim, so guess what?
That means they no longer have to be the victim!
4. They have trouble being assertive
The victim does not truly believe they can control their life, so they struggle to
state what they need, desire or deserve. The victim’s life will usually involve
repeating patterns of submissiveness and passivity. This pattern is detrimental
to self-esteem and personal development. The victim fails to break this pattern and suffers from
potential anxiety or depressive disorders.
What’s the remedy here? A first recommendation is to seek help from a
professional psychologist, counselor, or life coach. This is a chance for the
victim to turn the direction of their life around. It could also be beneficial for
the victim to read a book on assertiveness, commonly available in libraries or
bookstores. Ultimately, learning to be assertive is not a quick fix. It will take
time, practice, learning, failing, and trying over and over. In the end, however,
the victim will no longer feel that gnawing sense of powerlessness and self-pity
that has kept them down for so long.
5. They feel powerless
This could be a shadow behavior, meaning that the victim does not outwardly
show that they feel powerless. Instead, the victim will try to be manipulative,
coercive, and underhanded in getting what they need. You may have dealt with someone experiencing this kind of powerlessness. Usually, the victim is someone that is
suspicious of others, feels insecure, and is constantly needing to know the
latest gossip.
What’s the remedy here? First, do not play the game with them. Stay away
from the game of sharing gossip, listening to their stories of manipulation, or
their stories of insecurity. Let them know you’re there to support them and to
listen to them, but not to contribute to their feeling of powerlessness.
6. They don’t trust others
This issue is not only a problem of not trusting others. This is a problem of the
victim not believing they are trustworthy themselves. The victim makes the
assumption that other people are exactly like them – untrustworthy.
What’s the remedy here? Examine the evidence. Are all people untrustworthy?
Probably not. There are trustworthy people in the world. There are people that want the best for
you. There are people that want to help you. It is the job of the victim to begin
revising their old assumptions about people.
7. They don’t know when to say enough is enough
In relationships, victims have no sense of limits. They don’t know when to say
enough is enough.
What’s the remedy here? The victim needs to start creating their own
boundaries. What is the maximum they are willing to take in a relationship,
or in any given situation? It is the responsibility of the victim to decide these
boundaries for themselves.
8. They get into arguments easily
The victim has trouble choosing their battles. To them, every battle is a war.
To them, they are under attack all the time.
What’s the remedy here? The victim needs to realize that a difference of
opinion, or a criticism is not necessarily about them. It could very well be
about the other person. The victim must recognize they have a choice over
whether they allow themselves to uncritically enter into petty arguments.
9. They feel sorry for themselves
Victim have a habit of pitying themselves. Their mirror reflects a defenseless
child that cannot fend for itself. Since other people do not usually show them
sympathy or empathy, they try to give it to themselves, only to potentially
appear immature to others. This further traps them in the victim role.
What’s the remedy here? Recognize that all people have tough days and
experience bad events. Even the luckiest people experience unfortunate events. The victim must
learn to avoid thinking that they are the only person in the world that has
experience sad, difficult, or unfair circumstances.
10. They constantly compare themselves to others
The victim usually struggles with the habit of comparing themselves to others
negatively. The truth is that we are all lacking in some respect compared to
others. No one has it all.
What’s the remedy here? The victim needs to change their view. The victim
must recognize that they have good qualities and likely have experienced
privileges too. Yes, they’ve probably not always been super lucky, but it’s not all
bad!
11. They see life as always lacking
Even when something good happens, the victim will seek out what’s lacking
or what’s missing. The victim will complain about complaining and then
complain that they can’t stop complaining. It’s a deadly cycle.
What’s the remedy here? They should count their blessings, The victim needs
to treasure these blessings and develop a new habit of being positive and
optimistic.They should aim to be the most thankful and hopeful person they can be.
12. They are a critic
The victim has a need to put others down and find fault in people. By doing
these things, they get a fleeting sense of superiority.
What’s the remedy here? The victim should take all their energy and use it to
build others up. This will reflect back on them in a positive way too.
13. They think they are perfect
Ironically, when there is a chance that a victim could be caught in an error,
they suddenly become perfect. This arrogance and narcissism closes the
victim off from having truly trustworthy and cooperative relationships.
What’s the remedy here? They need to remove the word ‘perfect’ from their
vocabulary, and accept that they are human and are not perfect. In fact, the
victim needs to realize that the more they own their mistakes and failings, the
more others will gravitate towards them.
14. They cut people out of their life
“I’ve had it – they are out of my life for good!” If you’ve heard that statement
before and it wasn’t in reference to an actually dangerous or abusive situation,
then you’re probably dealing with a victim. Rather, this statement was likely
made in reference to everyday behaviors and relationship problems the
victim finds challenging. In response to this, their default strategy is to cut
people out of their lives. This highly emotional behavior creates chaotic
relationships.
What’s the remedy here? Breathe. Stop the brain chatter for a moment. Take
a walk.
The victim needs to recognize their pattern of cutting people off. Cutting
people off usually doesn’t lead to the resolution of problems and conflict.
They could always take a different, more positive approach, such as letting
people know their feelings instead.
In the end, the victim will end up facing painful consequences in their life and
relationships if they do not change their behavior.
As with most things in life, alternative options are there, we just have to be
willing to look for them and make a start.
Featured photo credit: frustrated via freeimages.com
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